The last thing I remember is him grabbing my ass and telling me he knew where the jello shots were, so I followed him.
I traded my shirt for vodka. I wonder if my parents can pinpoint where they went wrong raising me.
Picture this: me driving down 183 throwing up into a towel. I just hit rock bottom.
Dude I live in a fucking closet and still get laid every weekend. Figure it out.
well, the drug dealer I've been fucking the past 5 months gave me a chilis gift card for Christmas, so things are looking up.
we're going to the olympic park to run the 100m yeaaaahhh
it's 3am. Nothing could possibly go wrong here.
The judge mental looks i am getting while looking at porn on my phone sitting in the urgent care waiting room is gonna get way worse when they find out im here to see if im pregnant
You didn't say, "No." And you stole more than half of my Snickers. You owed me that dick.
Um ... did I have a lizard on my shoulder last night at the bar?
He said he actually "met" me for the first time through a picture his housemate had of me, drunk and passed out in a pool of my own vomit, on the floor of his basement.
why is "bang the student affairs grad assistant" the third highest thing on your semester goals list
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
Hard not to be concerned when you call me, tell me you've discovered the secret to flying, vomit, then hang up the phone. So yes, I'm coming to pick you up.
Plan before tomorrows interview: wash off green glitter from EVERYWHERE!!!
His mom knocked on the door during morning sex because we were being too loud...now i have to meet her for the first time
Randomize
