i gained so much weight this year, i put on my string bikini underwear and couldnt see the string anymore! i hate my life.
Just got my period. I'm not pregnant with Scott's child and I won't be having any sex tonight. This must be what they mean by bittersweet.
To think... Somewhere, too drunk by buckcherry is someone's theme song
All my problems are solved. I just got McDonalds and scratch off lottery tickets.
just brushed my teeth with a bottle of jack. ew. not all it's hyped up to be.
I spit up blood this morning
That's vegas.
Get over here. It's an emergency. Just realized I haven't hd my mouth on a penis in two weeks. Get over here.
We're smoking a joint the size of the average penis right now. I may not survive.
Sorry you called when I was puking in a cheetos bag
Wouldn't it be fantastic if the corporate world cared less about about our GPA and focused more on our mastery of social drunkenness?
If you don't get head tonight I will castrate you
Seriously. Castrate.
You know I'm having a rough day when I'm curled up in the corner eating Spaghettios.
You also proposed and then tried to jack me off
Like you haven't hit rock bottom until you have had to throw your own turd out a window
It's not even noon and I've had 3 people call me a savage, one of them said it in reference to the blow job I gave them. So I guess you could say it's going to be a good weekend
Randomize
