If last night was a website it would be called poordecisions.com OR uncircumcisedspanishweiner.org
My body has become completely dependent on Text Twist. I can't poop without it.
I only make drug deals in a British accent. It's my way of making sure it doesn't get too sketch.
I woke up naked on the bathroom floor. the tile grout marks on my boobs hurt, i mananged to use a roll toilet paper as a pillow. never again. did we eat salad?
I walked in on her just letting her nose bleed into her friend's hands
I want to do something romantic. Like gargle champagne before I put your dick in my mouth.
Just caught my dad doing coke in my bathroom again. Guess whose getting a new car for christmasss.
Are you having sex right now? Or is the apt just swaying rhythmically on its own? Either way, awesome.
Found my wallet. It was under my dresser with a note that said "good job you found me". Drunk me is an ass.
I just realized that at some point last night I told someone I would only be friends with 16% of them because the other 84% stole my people's land
So I got lost trying to find you guys and ended up proposing to a bride in a bachelorette party with a condom.
I used the light from the first guy's text notification to be able to snapchat the second guy in the dark. I am too good at juggling guys.
He FaceTimed me fucking his new girlfriend. He was wearing a banana costume.
So you're not gonna be in town tonight?! Your dick was the light at the end of my academic tunnel!
I just watched two birds fight or fuck. It was crazy. Another bird was watching closer and I know that bird understood what was happening better than me.
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