We played Rock, Paper, Scissors last night to see who was the least drunk to drive.
The Rock won.
one day john is going to snap and they are going to make a new show called "john and chainsaw minus 9"
I wish there was a hungover fairy to brush my teeth and bring me a diet coke.
We need to start having sex underwater more often.
Then, he just started shoving orange pieces in my mouth as a chaser
There's somethin not right about having to take the batteries out of your 27 year old boyfriends gameboy to use in your vibrator
hot buttered vodka was not a success. on any level.
Last night was the first and hopefully last night I will ever sleep in a hotel bath tub. Sober mind you.
I'm not even gonna ask.
its weird that my cat bites every fat chick i bring home. i repeat every fat chick, qhT KINDA FRIEND ARE YOU
bro i dont care how hot she was, you try keeping it up with the amount of puppet he had in her room, it was like fucking in jeff dunham's house
I am never taking a razor down there again. He'll have to love me as I am.
I'm glad we can *facepalm* it together over the married couple we fucked separately.
He called me khaleesi while I rode his dick. He wins
I don't think anything is more terrifying than the thought that you might shit your pants in front of your boss
I need like a billion tiny bottles of alcohol to put in the patron pinatas
Randomize
