the women in the ladies room did not appreciate my innovation of turning a sink into a urinal
He is drunkenly eating my teddy grahms and making little growling noises as he bites the head off of each one.
She's never allowed to turn 21 again
I suppose drinking a cosmo at lunch alone can't look good but I mean... sometimes it's just necessary
thank you for letting me use your house as a brothel.
why are all my papers due the day after my potential hangover
you were trying to convince me that you weren't drunk by grabbing my shoulders, looking deeply into my eyes and saying "i can see your sparkle"
Already at the river; already getting fucked up. And yes that semicolon is legit because those are congruent statemests
So ran into your ex from sophomore year last night... Apparently hes gay and a stripper now. we all got lap dances because we knew you
You were sending me snapchats from a bathtub with your beer helmet on and your boobs out.
Just got into a fight with a trashcan, today is obviously not going to be my day.
The wizard has you scheduled for a 6am sex breakfast
I'm so there
You get home okay?
I'm pantless and in bed
That doesn't mean you're at home.
I can't adult today.
Take a nap and try again
I have to buy a couch. There's nothing more adult than buying a couch on a Tuesday.
We could never date. He doesn't drink and he won't bring me tacos after sex. He's on that healthy life bullshit.
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