It all came flooding back to me: there was a woman with one hand
i remember you telling me to take a shower, brush my teeth, go get back in bed w her, and "just do what i was born to do." and as soon as i stopped yacking i did just that. you saved my birthday.
You'd be proud of me. They tried to give me bread to sober up, but I told them no, im on a diet.
We got baked and watched the cheetah girls on Netflix
You need to not admit that.
I know how I'm going to make my fortune.. designing an icepack made specifically for the vagina.
my taxi driver is listening to 50 shades of grey audiobook. this is uncomfortable.
I was worried he'd break you after the hiatus your lady parts had to take from social interaction.
He stopped in the middle of having sex to ask me what shampoo I use. Apparently my hair smelled good
You can achieve whatever you wish in your imagination with some help from drugs
He took some pill and now he's on all fours demanding we give him chips from the dog bowl. Come get him.
Let's ride this possibly pregnant train together
He asked if I was alright. I said "Yeah, I'm just an incapacitated ball of orgasmic bliss right now."
Also my roomates are going to be gone till sunday. Make correct decision here
Quit calling your parents your roomates
It is NEVER not funny to me when I am sitting at a table and I've touched the dicks of every single person I'm sitting with.
I just found your "it's drinking time" note in my chem notes. Why did this never happen??
I was waiting for you to find it...I'll be over in 5
Randomize
