she had the hairiest bush ive ever seen. it looked like a spoiled head of lettuce.
i just cleaned out my toilet because i knew that my head would be in it later
I don't plan to be alive for 2010 so ima say this 12 hours early. Happy New Year bitches
you are the sluttiest virgin ive ever met
thanks it was an honor just to be nominated
I just saw someone marching around outside wearing only a loincloth, dragging a fuckton of sheet metal. Spring has Sprung.
how do you say happy birthday to the guy that almost got you pregnant? i cant just write the same thing as last year.
he wrote me a grocery list while i was passed out. every other item was gin. it went on for 4 pages.
I'm puking to John Mayor, save me. Or at least change it to somethong beyyt
Cant wait to drunkenly tell by kids that i banged their aunt katie in a weird threesome
do you remember when we thought we were both knocked up by the same guy like two days apart and would have half twins? Thats a best friend moment.
Saw you fall down on Jefferson and a cop drove by and shook his head. How you didnt get arrested after the party you went to on saturday is beyond me.
not a day goes by that I don't wish you were here or I there. Today it was because I had the desire to get high and go look at the jellyfish at the aquarium and you're the perfect buddy for that.
So by "wait for me" do you think he meant "Don't have sex with random dentists?"
Conference sex doesn't count if the dentist doesn't know your name.
This band has the most fuckable violin player I have ever seen.
I feel like I may be the only person who can say they crutched their walk of shame. past the secret service.
Randomize