Forgive me I'm always horny when I wake up
did you hook up austin?
No! he threw up in my bathroom, made me wake up and order him jimmy johns, beat my roommate with a macaroni and cheese box, and then passed out with her in her bed
Gfs sis is in town. Its awkwardly obv that we want to fuck each other.
just went home with some hot chick. she has posters of the jonas brothers in her room. i basically ran out of the house.
Zach says you can't see his penis until after we're married...not sure why?! Bt then he said he thinks maybe you already have on the wild animal night!
i was so drunk that i ate a carrot out of her guiena pig's cage and thought it was normal
still haven't packed clothes. only wine. gotta love spring break
Just made everyone at my party download the vuvuzela app for iPhone, the neighbors absolutely HATE us
theyll ask where you are and ill say on a date crying in a sombrero
like that time i did too much ghb at gay pride
Pretty sure I was rubbing Halloween candy all over my face and saying "these are my bitches."
sometimes i feel like my only option in life is to be drunk or be a cat. today i am drunk
perfect irony that i'm celebrating international women's day with a yeast infection
All i'm saying is it doesn't matter how drunk you were, at 26 years of age you should always remember to take down you pants before you shit in the toilet
Passed out mid cig in bed last night. Thank you cough for allowing me legal prescription hydrocodone.
I'll have a whole suitcase of emergency bacon with me obviously
Randomize
