Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
Tonight we are playing Scuba-Keg. Getting keg now. I'll explain when i get home.
ok, just found out the kid i had random sex with in April was on wheel of fortune so i can really no longer say i regret that night
His drunk text included an attempt at quoting a Nyquil bottle in MLA format
I forgot how weird my hair bleaches and now I'm a calico
You can wake up to my rainbow of failure
New drink: empty coke can vodka water maple syrup. Get on my level
I can't tell if my bong is gender-neutral or not
Sneaking the vodka in was the easy part.. listening to medley of puking in the porta pottys was not
Dude did I even see you at the bar. Cause I was for sure there then the next second apparently I was crying next to my Christmas tree because nobody believed in me.
Watching Faye Reagan porn all weekend for St Patty's day. Nothing has ever seemed more appropriate.
I should become a firefighter. Who uses his cock to fight fires. Like a Superhero.
Here's a concept though: eating pasta while getting laid
the woman that waxes my lady parts just hugged me...
were you wearing pants?
no.
You took off your shirt and pulled out a bottle of cherry uv and a slushee. That's when I knew you came to party
can we do this tomorrow? ...i accidently got high.
Randomize
