you might get a letter about the baby you put in me. i was mad when i sent it.
The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
We went to red robin and there was a 15 minute wait so we went and fucked in the car. Quickies, endless fries, and a mascot handing out balloons- this is literally the night of my dreams.
If I don't wake up hungover in a ditch Monday morning I will consider my halloween a failure
she asked to have her picture taken with every guy we walked by.
i preemptively threaten to cock slap your kids if they are snobby yuppy bitches
I created another version of Halloween, it's called swalloween, whatever girl in a slutty costume you bring home has to swallow or forever be known as the holiday grinch
I HOPE YOURE READY TO KICK SOME SERIOUS ASS AT TRIVIA NIGHT TOMORROW NIGHT. also, i hope the birth of your niece goes well. BUT MOSTLY TRIVIA NIGHT.
Honestly I miss having a gay roommate. His female friends' implicit trust in him would carry over to me even though they knew Im straight. Best unintentional wingman ever.
seeing two freshman taking a cab home at noon on a Monday makes me realize how much worse my life choices could have been
If we laid all the dicks that's have been inside of us end to end it would be as tall as 4 story building. 40 feet of dicks.
Let's try finding a bar where there aren't people who want to hang me from a tree by my nutsack
returning from a 6am booty call in 2 feet of snow on a Tuesday is a bold new kind of low for me
My desire to pee is a lot higher than my need to be buzzed right now.
Tonight is an "I'm lonely and single so I'm going to curl up in a warm, melatonin and vodka enriched ball in the corner of my bed with a cat." kind of night.
Randomize
