The vodka told me to go iceskating on my frozen pool. I may have attempted.
We found them in a dumpster making out trying to get their privacy
Kurt said to text you and encourage you to come out tonight. Encourage you with my rack.
We're like Siamese twins, but joined at the genitals.
You took my underwater blowjob virginity.
It was like giving head to a cactus.
They switched jackets and you didn't notice. You made out with both of them and had no idea
I'm a sociology major remember
Well that and comm
Basically you majored in how to get laid
How have I seen you throw up on yourself 3 different times, yet we weren't Facebook friends until I accidentally hooked up with your ex?
That dude with the beard walked up to me, turned my water into wine with everclear and kool-aid, and walked away. Pretty sure drunk Jesus is back.
when a dude sends me an unwanted dick pic I just send him a picture of a nicer one. A more photogenic one. A dick with a future.
Im not sure if the cops that just came are strippers or actually cops
this weekend took five years off my life and what was left of my dignity
I'm literally trapped as the little spoon on a mattress on the floor of an unfinished basement with a professional athlete snoring in my hair
I have to lie to someone and move five gallons of fermenting alcohol across campus but after that i'll hit you up 4 sho
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