I fucked **** last night, don't tell mike
this is mike. we're done.
my roomate judo was messing around with a girl who recently had a kid, when he was sucking her tits milk came out lmao
You know the gilmore girls would be alright if it was on mute the whole time
There were 4 naked women demanding my presence. Of COURSE I got into the pool.
Then we all started singing, "Our house, in the middle of the street. Our house, fucks a lot of freshman meat". It was magical.
The walk of shame out of a freshman dorm isn't so bad when you're 25, nobody questions you because they think youre gonna bust them for having weed
I would personally love to see the surveillance video of me throwing my stuff inside, peeing on the sidewalk, then crying hysterically when I realized I locked myself out. Again.
If it involves mee putting on a bra and discontinuing my 11 am drinking my answer is a polite fuck YOU
He also turned out to be underage (the fucking liar) so we had to get drunk on cooking sherry
It took me half an hour to realize I didnt know them
Im hitting on this chick at a stoplight when all the sudden. i notice this chick blowing some dude in the backseat.
I woke up this morning fully clothed with a dart in my pocket
One of the guys just came in and goes "i walked all the way home with a pumpkin". Night just got better.
I tried to fuck you in my bathroom while my parents were in the next room. I am a clusterfuck of fun.
Speaking of dumpster fires, your ex tried to add me on Facebook
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