I swear my cock just shook it's head disapprovingly at me.
she must of just birthed a child cause her labia touched the floor
Everyone is hammered wasted already...young, old, the dying, babies...we got them all
It's the eternal vodka... it never seems to go away
He was very impressed that you could put your hair in a ponytail by yourself while throwing up.
My only regret is not throwing up on the conveyor belt in the dining hall
We ate a mysterious delivered pizza which no one ordered and then the wii wouldn't work so 20 of us watched porn on two laptops. Drunk took the awkward away.
I can't leave your house without my underwear spending the night.
You know what, don't even answer. Just promise me you'll go to the Corner of Shame when you get home.
I'm watching Pretty Woman alone and weaving a basket for Fiona. This is my life.
I just walked by a dude at the gym covering himself in olive oil.
Wake up. Smoke. Masturbate while eggos cook. Go back to bed. Smoke. Body spray shower. Beer with breakfast. Class. Morning of a champion.
Woke up with a lip tattoo that says "fake news" in case you're wondering about my wellbeing
Sorry, I didn't know he was with you. The ongoing collapse of Trump has me horny as hell.
In a few weeks I'll be a beautiful butterfly and me and my cat will have to repopulate the earth. WE WILL REBUILD!!
Randomize