maybe we dont have boyfriends because we dont have tans
You are the one person I know will appreciate this- and I'm aware that its nearly 5 am- but I have 3 words... G spot orgasm. BE JEALOUS
Next person that gets my dog drunk is paying to have my carpet cleaned. I am tired of getting up to pee and stepping in dog barf.
He showed up in a dinosaur costume bearing a tray of cupcakes. He even let me hold his tail. I'm marrying this guy.
This isn't fair. Why can't sober me be good at bejeweled?
I vaguely remember a pregnant lady reaching for my penis. When was I in an elevator?
So I put a beer on your bed and jumped on th3 other side of the bed like in the commercials. You my good sir, owe me a budweiser that your bed drank.
Dude just texted me asking if I could drive 45 mins for a quickie dude use your hand
your girlfriend showed us your homemade porn last night.
He said his fantasy involved both of us fucking while stuffed into the same overalls
I agree and I would be an awesome dog
In another note. Thanks for making me get a vibrator. For real.
It's not stalking if you do it on LinkedIn...
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
Don’t drink the Bloody Mary - it’s vodka and salsa.
Randomize
