Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
So I've been thinking a lot since she told me she's prego. But what I want to know is why my voice of reason sounds like Thomas fucking Jane!?
This morning I saw a frozen puddle in front of my RA's door and I laughed, assuming someone poured water in hopes that she would slip and fall. That's when my roommate told me I had peed there last night. Thank you Captain Morgan!
Wow. Thanks for becoming another fan of something on Facebook. You make me want to gouge my eyes out.
Just think about it this way, every time you work Sunday, it's another $75 and that equals another hooker when we go to Amsterdam.
I mean it was like cry my eyes out or masturbate in my moms bathroom.
I'll pick you up. Avoid slightly awkward no-we're-not-dating-but-I'm-still-screwing-your-son-after-2-years parental run-ins.
I'm watching porn in spanish. Thats studying right?
Reasonably certain my seventh grade teacher is encouraging me to drop acid on twitter
Your rough animalistic sex sounds are disrupting my cocktail hour
You can't do wine Netflix and blow jobs in the bed you've had since 5th grade with your parents downstairs
I forgot to tell you that he serenaded me with "Fuck Her Gently" by Tenacious D. And I didn't hate it.
We're on our way. We couldn't find our clothes this morning, so we're driving your car half naked. You owe me a cigarette.
I need my comforter. Pls bring it to me and drape me in it like an animal pelt. Ps I'm naked.
All I remember is being in the middle of the road puking and my bestfriend cheering me on from the passenger seat...
Randomize
