I'm still with the girl from last night. remember to call me conrad and that i work for PETA
I had a dream that the allstate guy hooked up with flo from the pregressive insurance commercials and she gave birth to the geico gecco. I need to stop taking ambian.
I woke up with the new contact "Britney Both Nipples Pierced"... how do you think the night went?
Wait, how is it that I'm just getting ready to go out and you're already showing your penis to freshmen girls?
the $20 limit for secret santa doesn't apply to me cause you know a half gram of coke is more than $20
the thing I didn't realize I would miss about college is that at home you can't just dismiss your sex bruises as drunk accidents
Im having a christmas reunion party tonight. Last year i ate my own contact. We'll see how this year goes
Why can't I live in a world where my only 2 options are rum bikini hot tub party or masturbating?
I feel that it is my duty to the human race to invent a colon squeegy
It's hard to judge what a reasonable amount of cereal looks like in the spaghetti pot. We're out of cap'n crunch and milk.
And think got sick again from going outside naked. Word to all females...don't try the naked trench coat thing.
One failed naked backward somersault off the bed and I realize - I either need to drink less or workout more. Perhaps both.
We fired a shoe out of a medieval cannon. I know not where we got either one.
Just bedazzled a flask, while drinking out of it. Hot glue is EVERYWHERE.
Oh the sweet dreamless sleep of drugs
You? On what? Why?
Randomize
