I'm going to pre plan my black out tonight. I think I'll set a change of clothes out on my bed and unplug the oven.
I'm going to do lines of vitamin c I cannot be sick for halloween
Yeah, clearly. And then we can float around my room on Christmas themed inner tubes. And drink, I guess.
there's nothing weirder than waking up to your mom eating breakfast on the couch that you fucked her coworker on last night.
Oh thank Jesus fuck for my shitty infertile womb. Crisis averted
By this time next year I expect us to have full time jobs that we can call out of so we can day drink on beautiful days like this. Oh, and grill.
Nothing is working I'm going to die alone and on hold with a State Farm representative
I'm a college student and my dad gets more ass than I do..... do you see a problem here?
I do not mind being torn from the first touches of sleep to see a man who looks like that
You FaceTimed me at three in the morning while you were peeing. Your eyes were glazed over and you showed me your bellybutton.
Jimmy johns delivers to the bar behind work. Happy vodka day!
not sure if destroying him emotionally was worth it but damn it's a fucking hilarious story
when I called the strip club they said there was a note with my credit card. "girl who punched guy in throat" fuck daytona
How can I prove that I give 401k advice and not handjobs?
You should've seen the look on the guys face when I demanded pho and a beer the second they opened. Obviously he doesn't understand hangovers
Randomize
