you should just get pregnant. that way you don't need to decide on a career.
I woke up to my dog trying to clean my vagina.
Nah the bridesmaids all had dates. I slept with the next best thing: girl who WANTED to be a bridesmaid but didnt make the cut.
If turning my entire backyard into a slip-n-slide is wrong then I don't wanna be right
I think I sprained my soul last night
just reminessing about the wedding and were they seriously to tight to serve a meal oorrrrrr was it just another one of my black-out-by-dinner drunks
the fact that you actualy have a 'black-out-by-dinner drunk' is a bit deserving..
It's one of those mornings where you wake up and want to go to church for the first time in ten years. THAT shameful.
There are so many things that would come back to haunt me if I ran for President someday.
like that video of you mad stoned vomiting in the bdubs parking lot after going to a pizza buffet screaming how you needed to make room for froyo
Wat
I think the Predator is hunting me in my house. If I don't text you later, send Danny Glover. I love you all.
Rob and I are cross faded and the only one taking care of us is a drunk person who's making us dance.
she came into my car to rip lines with our blow dealer as I was writing my essay on anti drug policy, i call it on site research
Well in other news, my nipples are healing pretty well but next time I get drunk and decide to pierce something please for the love of god stop me!
NOT ALL OF US HAVE THE HANDS OF GODDAMN ANGELS YOU KNOW
We were right in the middle of sex and all of a sudden his kids toy story action figure starts talking "I think the word your searching for is Space Ranger." A literal Buzz kill. It was equally creepy and hilarious.
Eventually I will start sleeping with people who actually want to hangout with me the next day... But not today
Randomize
