i permit you to call me
Well, if your day started with strippers, then we're tied. Otheriwse, I'm winning.
I mean. If you don't have time I understand, but my dick doesn't.
Its a little weird going to a wedding where I've screwed the bride and my wife has screwed the groom. Great wedding though.
Is there a non-awkward way to tell a girl I work with that she looks just like my favourite pornstar?
Yeah. I mean it wasn't that awkward. I just made conversation like there was absolutely no lack of pants.
Well, after emptying the contents of my stomach into a fucking rose bush, the only things moving through my digestive system are pills, coffee, and my own lip gloss. If that gives you any idea what kind of a day I'm having.
That was the night I passed out and someone threw chicken at me. SORRY I wasn't available to cockblock you from that Hispanic dude.
One day I'm gonna have to send my roommate a "sorry I got high and forgot you were in the room and masturbated next to you" fruit basket
Seriously if we go to rome ur fucking me into the sunset on a wrought iron balcony overlooking Vatican City
Autocorrect changes "sex" to "sec". I have been so long without it my phone thinks I made a mistake.
So I got a text from him saying "jacking off...thinking of you" I think I'm going to get a restraining order
My plan to hit on all your friends went to shit after the 3rd dirty martini.
Unless you want to see me masturbate, I think skype is a no go for now.
party at the soccer house. crumbs in my sexy panties. can't. put. pieces. together.
Randomize
