My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
I'm taking child development now so if you get pregnant i can raise your child no worries
So, just so you know... Your vasectomy worked.
bonus
Hmm. I hear gunshots, car horns blaring, hear drunk white people screaming, and see about fifty status updates pertaining to the hawks. I guess they won.
She is two pictures of justin bieber away from being blocked from my news feed
Will you be topless? That will affect my answer.
So like 5 seconds in I realize I knew him in 3rd grade and I went limp in his mouth. It felt like I just murdered the last unicorn ever. Going straight never felt like an option till now.
I know you`re my best friend, but when i wake up with this bad of a hangover and no memories of last night, i dont want to see your tits ad my background.
"Friendship bread", "how to get period stains out of cement", and "elephant bereavement" are all in my recent google history. Whatever shit that was last night really did me in...
my pupils became my eyes and i slept with a cloth in my mouth again
You may want to re-read your sent texts from last night. You were texting me about your "fire shits" spelled 6 different ways between 3 and 5:30 AM.
Whenever someone tells me they've never met a bisexual, I feel like a majestic fucking unicorn.
We had sex to Hey Arnold, Rugrats, and All That. I feel like my life has come full circle.
This is a long quiet interstate without somebody to sext.
we should paint friendship bongs
Randomize
