you know you are hungover when... you set your alarm for the next time you think you are going to throw up
I wish alcohol would automatically work as birth control if you have sex drunk.
the brownie started to kick in before i finished the essay... it became a race against my own increasing intoxication
He noticed there was ketchup on his shirt and took it off. Noticed there were people there and put it back on. Then he saw the ketchup again. He must have taken his shirt on and off about 6 times
There is so much to learn about oneself from autofill.
Tell your boyfriend I'm sorry for ruining his vein. I'm never drawing blood drunk again.
Which genius got me a voicemail of myself puking?
I walked in and you were laying on the floor bleeding everywhere half asleep half crying and moe was at the kitchen table eating frozen pizza refusing to acknowledge you. What a sight.
Only catch is you have to sleep in the same bed as me. But no worries, I plan on being in a random guys hotel room every night. So it's essentially yours.
He's single. I'm single. We should rekindle our eighth grade romance over a box of wine and carefree sex.
At this point, if I'm not getting fucked by a man in ONLY cowboy boots, it's not worth it.
I've got enough liquor to do one of two things on Friday: 1.) Drink myself into a coma or 2.) lay in bed a drunk and cry lonely mess. Happy Valentines Day.
You said you were going to start drinking less. Drinking 25 small airplane bottle shots do not count.
Making friends with the guy who had alcohol-infused whipped cream was the best decision I made all night.
i just remember singing the theme song from 2 and 1/2 men to my hair
Randomize
