Here's my recipe for happiness. Go get a pen. 1. smoke a bowl 2. put on explosions in the sky 3. take a bath. Do this for about 1 hour or until all your problems go away.
Dear Mark, please dispose of your crusty mcdonalds napkins used to jerk it at my desk
discrete masterbation is a lost art
at a party and just made O-H-I-O out of dicks and vajayjays...i hope someone took a pic i was too busy (; GO BUCKS!!!
Eating hibachi. The chef is squirting sake into my mouth with a ketchup bottle. Happened twice, more to come.
Yo I'm texting you while getting a bj. I know, I'm the man. Told her I was texting my mom in the hospital.
My mascara kind of smells like tequila to me...Is this my body crying for help or asking for a shot?
I knew it was a bad night when the only thing I could remember was you force feeding me tortilla chips as I hugged the tire of my car and begged to have my stomach pumped.
Dude. My tinder just blew up in Seattle. I'm moving here. I don't give a fuck
I just used my citation as a bookmark. Want a beer?
You know you've been on Tinder too long when you're the guy cropped out of the profile pic. Of a woman you're still seeing...
Van sex tonight? No need to tell me how classy that sounded.
Remember, today is also the anniversary of Harambe's death. D**** out.
I’M DRUNK AND EXCITED.
dude, there is no doorman in your lobby and the front door is locked
oh yeah, sorry he's up here at the party. coming now
I’ve got full Covid immunity, blonde hair and great tits! I’m basically unstoppable
Randomize
