She tased me when I walked in the door. Thought I was trying to steel her weed.
who were those guys at the table sniffing dryer sheets?
I'm making you a bingo card for hookups of the school year 2011-12 so you can make even worse life decisions next year
Dude, it's the frankincense and myrrh soap. Smelling like baby Jesus will get you laid.
New low, passed out while taking a shit for an hour with my parents home, suprised they didnt notice
Expect nothing less than me teaching them how to do shots and put condoms on
I just don't fit in here. The other wives are ten years older and have kids!
Well, you chose trophy wife of a 35 year old over college. Sit in your suburban soup and stew.
You also thought the cure to hiccups was drowning yourself (and you were right)
I threw up this morning to Silent Night playing in background. It was actually quite soothing.
Nothing like drunkenly buying a pregnancy test at 8 am to get out and realize your nip was out the whole time.
You've been dating this guy for a month now and as your best friend I have to complain that I still don't how big his dick is.
Your friends are scaring the cats so I'm going to smoke weed with them to call them down.
The minute he showed me his Mumford and sons tattoo is the minute i could literally feel my pussy dry up
WHY IS THERE A GOLD FISH IN MY BONG??
Why do so many fanfic writers want to see hockey players get pregnant?
Randomize
