Got a plan. Ill do rock paper scissors and if you win we smoke a joint. Throw rock.
dunno bout you, but i grow tired of beef curtains
You were petting your shoe and saying this makes me really happy
I need a legitimate reason as to why the microwave door is in the shower
Apparently I joined a band last night. Definitely my favorite blackout.
Sorry if I put you in that 'glad we're hanging out but I'm gonna go fuck your cousin' kind of position
This is God's way of telling me He loves me and wants me to be a cocktease.
Go forth my daughter and give blue balls to all who may gaze upon your tits.
You know you drank too much last night when your mouthwash tastes like water
Sex should not remind me of how baby birds get fed
I'm too over dressed and drunk for this emergency vets office
Ended up at the strip club, got told I should be a dancer 4 times, got free tacos and my hot TA slide in the dms. How was your night?
If Dr Phil has taught me anything about myself, it’s that I can seriously relate to those women who fake their pregnancies.
Apparently I’m a terrible influence when alcohol is involved
Question: the touchscreen on my phone randomly quit working, do you think this could be a latent reaction from me peeing on my phone last weekend?
And I think she just drunkenly ordered an ipad. she said it was so pretty she couldn't keep it "locked up" because an ipad has to be let free.
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