My psychiatrist is "consulting" others. I am high-achieving nuts.
me and my mom are sitting in the bank parking lot drying my beer soaked check with the heat... the whole car smells like heinekin and I'm trying to convince her I don't need a.a.
Hey they cleaned all the blood out of the elevator. Also could you pick up some nachos?
dude I'm not 100% but I think your mom is sexting me.
She wasnt impressed wen i brought a guy for her back with me, a 3am impromptu sperm donor is not a gd birthday present. Im a bad gf.
Telling someone to make good decisions on a Thursday is like telling Santa to be Jewish.
Well, thats the first guy to go to jail because of my vagina
Post that event on your timeline
I've washed my hands three times and it still smells like Astroglide.
He yelled "CARLI LLOYD" and then kicked the cake off the table. Soccer is making monsters out of us.
I don't have any soul left to be crushed.
Don't forget to make sex 3rd on your calander
Give me one good reason why I should go with you.
Free beer.
..pick me up at 8.
it's like i'm your dad, but instead of reminding you to bring your lunch to school i remind you to take a good long hit from your bong.
I'd invite you over to drink but then I wouldn't be drinking by myself.
I suppose writing him up is more professional than keying his car.
Randomize