i dont know whats so great about being respectable.
i am breaking up with you. because you wash your hair too much and you only drink light beer and because you're not party enough.
Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
How do you set tits on fire ? I swear her tits were on fire.
I'd rather take 10 virginities than catch something. Right now I should be good, I mean the sex with Jake was so bad he can't possibly have an std
When you get home...find me in the shower. Only safe place at the moment.
Dad just asked me to breathalyze grandma
We hooked up in his car and afterwards he cried. I think I need to find a new hookup...
I spent a good part of the night in a bear hat claiming I'd changed spieces
Do you know how many guys' fantasies I've been told I'm a part of lately?!
Just 2. But still.
If I win the lottery I'm going to hire someone to skywrite "FUCKTARD" over his house. That much anger.
You've got until 8 and then I'm kicking down your door and pouring a beer down your ass via funnel
We could have mediocre awkward sex or mediocre stunted/awkward/uncomfortable banter. The possilities are relatively finite
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
Also: I hate her so much. She's out at hooters, making spelling errors, while I'm literally sitting at a clinic getting std tested. Which of us won the morality award in this break up.
Randomize
