he keeps dipping things in ranch and feeding them to me
got some bad news about ur virginity. she didnt make it thru the night
The drugstore has summer clearance. I bought you a little mermaid bucket. Now your hangovers will feel more like childhood adventures.
It's been over a year since we've been get-so-drunk-you-throw-beer-cans-at-fat-girls-drunk together. That needs to change.
I rocked my own world, he was just a prop.
Can't you just imagine you've grudge fucked me so we can get past this?
The cop asked you after the breathalyzer what you think you blew and you very discreetly shouted "I'm pretty sure i blew Kyle on the way here "
Dude I thought she was trying to turn my dick inside out
Let's just say that in a last ditch effort to avoid getting arrested I said to the cop "but I'm not even that drunk" and he proceeded to point out (in front of a crowd) that I had "fucking pissed my pants"
the texts you sent will act as the rosetta stone for all drunk people
YO. MCGRIDDLES.
My phone autocorrected "shhhhh" to "AHHHHHHHHH" and I feel like that says a lot about my life
I'm like a hairless cat ready to be ravished
While buying Plan B the lady at the counter looked at me and said hope you have a successful night as I walked away in shame
I dropped my slice of pineapple on the kitchen floor and was just staring at it about to cry. It was really good pineapple.
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