Sry I called you an 8
Good news! Whoever used this stall at Target earlier...not pregnant!
She was asian and in a relationship... my two weaknesses
Watching dad use Doritos to illustrate exactly where to locate the clitoris. How's your family christmas going?
Just for the record its a bit awkward when you introduced me to your friends at your house as your brother and then insisted in front of them that I sleep in your bed with you
This whole bra on the outside of my shirt thing is so convenient. It turns my shirt into a pocket to eat Fritos out of. Mmm boobies
Just spent the equivalent of my life savings in the liquor store. This is going to be a good weekend
I put ketchup in a girls hair last night. I need a sorry balloon
I knew it was on when all she had to say about the handcuffs was 'I really hope these adjust tighter!'
its 3am and I'm taking a bubble bath, this is what taking a day off work at 30 looks like
I should not be allowed to reproduce. The world doesn't need my sarcastic asshole demon spawn in child form
I mean, she's batshit insane and once choked a guy with one hand but she's still MILF material in my book.
I'm sorry my shit is everywhere... I accidentally got drunk while packing
You chased a rabbit then knocked on a police car and asked the cop "if he saw where that little bastard went."
My law teacher drew an elephant on the board in class. I was so high that I laughed for 5 minutes straight. Nobody else laughed and everyone stared. 130 people knew I was high.
Randomize
