i feel like the prize bull at the rodeo. everybody got a ride, no one lasted more than 8 seconds and i'm pretty sure i kicked one of them in the ball sack
She's got an ass you could write the declaration of independence on in one line. Takes up three bar stools.
Apparently I think casual Friday means I can show up unshaven in yesterday's clothes and reeking of booze.
Pretty girls always come out on top. Or bottom. Whatever. Point is we come out with their boyfriends.
my phone vibrated itself into my puke bucket and literally sizzled. you'll have to reach me at this number for a while.
You said you were collecting Asians for your Kate Gosselin costume.
in the 'for' section of the check i put "when we got drunk and broke things". again im sorry.
You sprayed lysol all over me. You said that my soberness was infecting your night.
Using the salt from a pretzel bag for tequila shots. Come over.
I think the closest to heaven you can get in this world is your morning dump after a night of Molly
I have straight up perfected the art of amazing manicures with shaky-as-fuck adderall hands. Also, I'm way too proud of this.
My ex-fiancee UPS-ed me a sixer of tall boys, and a fifth of bourbon for christmas, from halfway across the country. What does this mean?
Dude I was walking down the street and threw up in a plastic cvs bag. Tequila wins again.
He went to 7/11 first and came back with condoms and a banana "in case we get hungry"
Sorry for face licking, I probably won't do it again.
Also, I love cats. I sat on the floor and they sat with me.
Randomize
