I just got hit by a car. I'm fine; I'll be to the bars in about 15
somehow writing 'not a skank' on yur boobs doesn't really make you look less skanky...
Life lesson. Learning to pee left handed is easier than learning brickbreaker left handed. Rather lose a few drops than a few lives
All you kept saying was "my dick ALWAYS causes problems".
idk whats worse playing power hour to yourself, or the fact that you were having fun while doing it
Found my phone laying in a snow angel outside my apt this morning.
Saw someone get laid in the bathroom no one was wearing shoes and I had a parrot on my shoulder...I never want to leave this bar
We broke up in downtown Nashville with drunken, blow up penis waving bachelorette parties walking by. For some reason I can see this ending up as a country music video.
He said I was cute and he handed me a stuffed bear from his car. I don't care that he was 80, I named it Hector.
People were running around punching out the ceiling tiles Super Mario style.
What's the procedure for answering a booty call from someone under house arrest?
Afternoon delight is playing while I take a shit at mcdonalds
Tomorrow night, I am putting you In my trunk. No excuses we have waited forever for this.
I woke up and found my apartment really clean, appearantly drunk me couldn't tolerate living there anymore and left sober me a lot of insulting post-its...
I just slept for fifteen hours straight. It's like my body knows i'm drinking with you and is preparing..
Randomize