I woke up and she had breakfast in bed for me
RUN RUN RUN RUN
When I saw him standing at full height, I realized exactly how much his body structure reminds me of his penis.
You stood up and started yelling"Free blow jobs!" because you thought people would like you more.
This is not a drunk text right now. This is an i want your dick text. There is a difference.
so I'm in athletic shorts, a suit jacket and I'm still drunk at 6:30am at the last leg of relay for life
just wondering who decided to put a cup of throw up in my fridge
Nope. She just screamed at me "YOU WERE A FAILED ABORTION" and "I'LL PUT ANTHRAX IN YOUR PILLOW YOU LITTLE FUCK". Best mother award ever
who knew that a girl that let me piss on her within 20 minutes of meeting her would get upset i couldn't remember her name.
Im only pretending to be his friend so I can sleep with his girlfriend.
Just caused a nice traffic jam while trying to park at Costco. Too high to drive.
Totally shot down my boss for sex today. Approaching this weekend with a clear conscience and an untouched vagina.
Whats a little naked between friends. Just don't laugh or I'll be scared for life.
I pay 3K a month for rent, yet last nite I broke into the back of my building, scaled over 2 tons of garbage in heels and took a dirty freight elevator to my floor just so my doorman wouldn't see how fucked up I was
U know ur prob on camera right?
long story short, he tried to fuck me standing up, toppled over, and now I have four stitches next to my eye
Idk if you've ever tried hysterically crying in the shower listening to Florence + The Machine but it's honestly a life-affirming experience
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