She wanted to fuck you. You threw up on her. Congrats.
I literally just wielded a katana to save a child's life. What did you do today?
Is a wave an appropriate goodbye when your one night stand wakes up and walks out towards the door while you are looking through the garbage for the evidence of a condom?
I need to stop drinking and eating and start working out. I look like the lovechild of John Goodman and Jabba the Hutt.
Nobody is here, I still yelled for someone to make me some toast. That my dear is commitment to doing nothing.
I'm eating crumbled blue cheese out of Tubbaware. My life is nothing.
I now have a GPA requirement for guys I hookup with more than once.
I forgot how easy it is to have sex in public when you're wearing a dress. Thank you global warming.
I just imagined you going baby-crazy and trying to shove him up into your uterus. Yes, I'm aware he's 7 years old.
I appreciate alcohol much more now that I have to be sober sometimes
Alright if I email the police department asking for my mug shot do you think they will email it to me
"he sent me a picture of a puppy in return for a picture of my boobs. He then captioned it with "look it's puppies first time at the beach". "
For the first time in my life, I still have money by the next payday. Who is this responsible person and what have they done with the real me?
Just find a separated / divorcing man. They’re too upset to fall in love, too helpless to be alone and too horny to think straight. Smile at him the right way and he’ll be thrilled to be with a sexy younger woman!
In celebration of finishing my homework, lets drink tea w/ vodka
Randomize
