Downstairs neighbor just asked me to tell people when they jump off the balcony next time not to land on her flowers
I think I may have appendicitis, but the house is like two blocks from the hospital so I'm just gonna go and drink anyway.
Lost my credit card. M has a bottle of blood in her pocket from a hobo.
THESE BITCHES NOT IN MY MAJOR BETTER NOT FILL UP MY SLAVIC FAIRYTALES CLASS
You ninja crawled over five sleeping guys to get in my room at 6 in the morning to wake me up for sex
...and I think that may just be my favorite moment in our fuckbuddyship
I'm taking a shit break of discontent as a personal protest
At one point we were both in the bathroom and i was taking a shit while holding your hair as you puked in the sink. Friendship.
My greatest achievement in life thus far is being the go to friend when you have questions about butt plugs.
What the fuck i just wanna eat my froot loops and sext in peace. Y'all motherfuckers gotta be loud as shit and break my concentration
god i just can't wait for finals to end so i can just masturbate all day and night
You tried to run away last night. The neighbors brought you back.you were in their hot tub again. This needs to stop
i just sexted for my mom while she was driving, i have hit an all time low.
You should have thought of that before emitting walrus sounds while intoxicated
The last thing I remember saying was "Tequila for all!!"
If you count the sounds from the room down the hall....that was definitely NOT the last thing that came out of your mouth.
Hey long story short Grandma needs bail money.
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