I wish they had nachos that got you drunk
guys are only as good as the porn they watch
I had a dream that the allstate guy hooked up with flo from the pregressive insurance commercials and she gave birth to the geico gecco. I need to stop taking ambian.
Where are you and why am I suddenly responsible for your taquitos?
Just walked out of 7 11 still in uniform when 4 girls in bikinis in a convertable screamed "we fuck firefighters!"
Career choice validated
Survival tip #3: while you're hooking up with him, don't say he reminds you of his brother
I want "hickeys on my ass" sex
My crowning drunk achievement from that night was donating $5 to the Obama campaign.
You're perfect
We can just chill or day drink or smoke or watch law and order marathon or play just dance 4 or watch a movie or go to the movies or play hide and seek or hug, so many options
You think you know everything because you're wearing a sweater
According to my snapchat story, I tore a fake wig off a security guard and ran away with it.
So we decided we're going to stop having sex...except for tonight. And probably tomorrow.
Oh my god if I have to go on fetlife to find a guy who will fuck me right around here, I'm going to scream.
Dude I used amphetamines responsibly today though. I snorted one in the am for work and then chewed one in the pm for other work. I'm an adult.
Do you remember feeding the vacuum doritos last night?
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