I just had to sit down with an 11 year old who threatened to dick slap a girl.
So.. my mom just told me she hasn't gotten laid in 7 years... I'm really disturbed.. at the same time... At least now I know why shes so damn cranky all the damn time
Please don't tell me you're asking me to have sex with your mother.
Girls behind me in the library are trying to outslut each other with stories from last semester. I'm about to set my cock on the table between them and label it "tie breaker"
He wanted to put Kesha on after he came in my mouth. I had to draw some sort of trashy, gay line.
They told me you were taking cheese cube shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce... Is this true?
I think that the jello shots in bowls is where it all went wrong.
Just got assigned a beer bong as hw in fluids to demonstrate the inverse of pascals principle. I love this prof
I moved out... There's nothing left but his childhood trophies...
You should make him a new one, you know like "you suck at relationships but thanks for trying participation award"
WHY WERE YOU COOKING NAKED?
WHY WERE YOU SLEEPING ON MY COUCH?
My hungover walk of shame was interrupted by a stranger on a balcony throwing me a beer to shotgun... at 10 a.m....
He called yelling about whhhhhhiskey and enchiladas I heard sirens in the background last time I talked to him b
I think I may be going on too many job interviews. I've started to bring up Shonda Rhimes in my interview answers.
The cat ate a weed mint. This is not a drill
I sit across from him at graduation so I get to stare at him and think about how I fucked his step brother and laugh to myself
SPICY FOODS AND BLOWJOBS DON'T MIX.
YOU SAID YOU'D TRY ANYTHING ONCE YOU LIAR
Randomize
