my new favorite insult= "thundercunt"
Apparently throwing up on your own cape is still a party foul
I just claimed my unemployment in Vegas. This seems wrong.
He gave Paula abdoul a run for her crazy
He texted me for a bootycall at 2:00am so I rolled outta bed and shaved my legs but then he decided he wasn't coming over...he lost his bootycall privileges
I automatically know you're drunk now as soon as you start yelling in spanish
just made one giant jello shot... if i have to study on a saturday night, i'm gonna do it as drunk as possible
Apple should advertise that their phones are puke-proof. They would appeal to a whole new audience.
He made me cum 4 times, we high fived afterwards and then I proceeded to tell him about this guy I'm dating whilst I made him a bacon sandwich. I think we've finally mastered being friends with benefits.
Just discovered i ordered the nhl center ice package back in september, the operator said there was a note next to the time I called, indicating I may have been intoxicated while calling (no clue why but it was noted)...meaning I was drunk...meaning ill never miss another sabres game...i love me and am beaming with self pride
i just tried to use a string cheese as a light source
My dick pics could make it to the popular page on Instagram.
I just fell out of my doorway to go to class so if that doesn't describe how my night went idk what will
I'm not coming to work today because tequila
He literally ejaculated and I hit Uber
Randomize
