maybe touching the ground while going 70 wasn't such a great idea after all..
it was like getting a handjob from mrs. butterworth
im trying to pick out the cookie crumbs from my adderall. it is a lot harder than it seems.
Googled "can you put dry ice in your drink?" I'm safee
no. i just ate a whole thing of hot dogs. me and regret are sleepng alone tonigh.
First date. He's wearing a tuxedo shirt and keeps asking me about our future children. Escape plan #3 is now in action...
The office pool is up to $500 if you take a shit in Frank's desk drawer. Time to change the unpaid internship into a cash cow.
can we get vodka so I have an excuse for being an emotional wreck
At what point did you realize I was getting blown under the table during our dominos game?
When i like your selfie it means one of two things. 1. thats a nice photo, friend. OR 2. I wanna bend you over a table. But youll never know.
The bartender had to walk me home last night. New high or new low?
Yeah, it was all very half-hearted. In the middle of sex we both just stopped and looked at each other and said, "can we just sleep instead?"
That is so sad.
I'm totally going to bang the cable guy tonight. I'm so pumped
the guy next to you kind of looks like a penguin. i'm going to fuck him
And on a positive note i found a list that i made in 3rd grade titled "what to do if you want a guy to like you"
Randomize
