I want a gay best friend. or apple sauce either one is fine with me
if theres anything i pride myself on, its my ability to look homeless.
Quick question... Can I call you daddy? Or would that just really made the whole 8 year age gap a bigger deal...?
he forgot there was a midterm today. i watched him break his own finger to get out of it.
my tonsil wound opened up during the kegstand but i stopped it with a popsicle
You got the eggs out of the fridge and yelled "my chickens are beasts at making eggs" and then pegged them at the ceiling and at a couple who were making out
I gave him 3 xanax and recorded the ball drop. He's gonna think tonight is New Years.
We spent a good 10 minutes in the morning looking for my clothes. I ended up taking the bus home in my 6inch heels and his baggy t-shirt. The bus was filled with kids... one of them whistled at me.
My heart feels like a grape in a barrel about to be crushed into wine
The bad news is that I stole all your drugs. The good news is that ITS KICKING IN!
my throat is bruised, my back is scarred, my vagina feels like it's going to fall off.. you're like godzilla. you destroy everything.
I want to wait until after I get laid before I ask him his political affiliation. Just in case. I'm so desperate I would bang a Republican
I always feel bad for the sober driver... Never been me but I feel bad... empathetic AF
He ate me out while I was playing bejeweled. It was the greatest moment of my life.
We stood outside the room listening to them have sex and making meow noises
That's not right, is it?
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