he just booty called me in advance instead of waiting til 3 am when hes trashed. i think thats really considerate and gentlemanlike.
Just saw the liqour store owner get into a mercedes, almost proud to be responsible for that
Well, technically I had a shirt on, it was just around my waist.
just hooked up with an air force officer in a hotel room paid for by the military. i feel like i should go around thanking taxpayers for the assist.
FYI angry masturbation is not as cool angry sex
Vodka infused whipped cream. Shit just got real.
I feel like a fucked a broomstick last night. You get a gold star.
I ended up on the roof were calling it a tie
So essentially hes paying me $150k/year for the rest of his career to not have sex
SERIOUSLY? WTF! why cant I find a super hot, super gay, super conservative christian NFL player in need of a beard?
You better fuck one or both of those bitches and bring me pictures that will make me uncomfortable
I can do at least one of those things.
Well we get the HIV results on my birthday haha. It'll be like happy birthday kid, you have AIDS.
I just found a weed leaf in my leg hair..
Apparently I blacked out and started wrestling with some dude last night. Just found out I might have dislocated his shoulder. Best part: he still wants to bone me
And then you two got up and shouted in near perfect unison "I'M ALWAYS A SLUT FOR BASKIN ROBBINS" The bar just looked at us horrified.
1) Woke up alone with my bathing suit on inside out spooning an empty bottle of Jack, 2) get the fuck on to my level 3) please pick me up and bring a stuffed pony, some Oreo's and my pride...
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