just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
Why do guys in porn never have boxers on?
better question: why do you always text me when you're watching porn
we turned dreidel into a drinking game. i kept landing on gimel. im glad we have 7 more nights of this
She always acts like she's doing me a favor with a hand job. I've been giving myself hand jobs for almost 20 years.
It's official, my little sister has hooked up with more girls than I have.
He said you stopped mid-fuck, called fives on his dick, walked out to grab another drink, and came back.
Be my booze princess bebe. I'll rescue you from the lame tidings you are confined to up in the sober castle.
What! You have to go to class. Otherwise, you're wasting money that could have been spent on weed. Gotta get that shit in perspective.
So i had a lucid dream about blowing myself. This is why people love me
I'm sitting alone in a bar pretending to watch football because I don't know where the liquor store is around here and I'll be god damned I'm going to be sober on my day off.
He got you flowers. How bad can the sex really be?
I'm using emojis for drug deals now. It's time to kill me.
She threw her burger out the car window last night. My vegan neighbors were not pleased but I’m pretty sure I saw a for sale sign go up on their lawn so I owe her one.
I just want to find somebody intelligent enough to trick my parents into thinking she's not a trophy wife. Is that too much to ask?
I get so pissed when there is something that NEEDS to be made fun of and you're not here.
Randomize