So my mouth tastes like dick. Does that explain how our talk went?
he was like a christmas ornament you would hang on the back of the tree....not great but still made the cut.
you poured 3 beers into an empty vase and then passed out, so i drank them for you. don't say i'm not a good friend.
This morning I proved to myself and all the kids on the playground that I can't puke and drive.
if that's jizz on my steering wheel i'm gonna be pissed...and impressed.
Trying to guess which perfume the stripper was wearing based on my bf's clothes
I don't know if it's lucky or if it really just makes my tits look THAT good, but I've never NOT gotten laid with this bra on
We got kicked out of the ice rink last night for drinking and checking strangers... but they let us keep the beer
She said she'd heard about my nickname in high school. Apparently sledgehammer isn't as popular as you'd believe...
You know what's worse than asking for the morning after pill? Asking for the morning after pill in a sketchy hospital in a foreign country where no one speaks English.
I'm seriously considering refraining from drinking on school nights.
I like how you say that with 4 school days left of the school year..
you literally stared at me for three minutes and then said "hey this tequila isn't gonna drink itself, boss"
Things that happen while I poop: I start dating someone
Okay so my roommate deals some drugs so whenever he leaves we can hook up, be ready
I didn't know I was the on call booty call damn
I had sex while watching Lord of the Rings last night. I think I just reached a new level of nerd.
Randomize
