I pretty much can't stop smiling when I talk to you. Even when you talk about disease and infectious diarrhea.
She kept calling me her DD, which I assumed meant designated driver, so I was confused because I don't even have a car. Found out later it means designated dick. It's what her and her friends use as code for the guy they want to hook up with at the end of the night. I feel so used.
The vagina on Hilton Head is mighty fine this time of year.
OH YEAH AND FORGOT TO THANK YOU FOR THE lack of WARNING THAT HE WASN'T CIRCUMSIZED.
JUST MADE A FLAMING SLED. MIGHT HAVE 3RD DEGREE BURNS.
just had a very awkward conversation with the concierge at the hotel, they threw your underwear out
She just tricked me into telling her the balance of my 401k... She's like a gold digging jedi mind trick ninja
I was basically shocked at how calmly you accepted my violently shoving a french fry in your mouth.
It took me longer to finish the bottle of scotch we bought together on New Years than it did for her to meet a new guy and get engaged
Can you repeat that, but with context?
Dude I asked him to get me beef jerky at 4 am and he actually walked to CVS to get it. CVS closes at 12 but it was the perfect opp to dip out
He kept spinning my wedding ring like thanks buddy I remember
So this morning everyone commended me for puking over the porch. No one else made it that far...
Such a shame we didn't work out. We would've been a power couple producing NFL linemen :/
There's so many drinking games in the Olympics.
you missed out this chick was licking her paddle
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