I may or may not have just irish jigged at a bar. And broken out in a sweat from it. Not a good sign for that marathon yo.
we put on a show in the hot tub for our boyfriends, then climbed out and both got down on our hands and knees and puked at the same time--still naked.
he's drinking at 8 in the morning. it's going to be one of those "or else the terrorists have won" kinda days
i feel like god sat there all night pointing and laughing at me
He was completely serious when he said my boobs were like "majestic white clouds."
ps if your frozen peas taste like crotch it's because some dude kicked me in the nuts while trying to do a keg stand and I needed an ice pack
He rode my dog to the bathroom and wouldn't stop laughing once he got in. It was scary.
IM A DRUNK BIRTHDAY CLEOPATRA MESS. CELEBRATE THAT BITCH
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
Mark just took 50mg Viagra. Tonight should be interesting for the neighbors.
I mean like if I stood up my head might pull me down like an anchor
woke up next to the new dishwasher. set the record for banging a new employee to 6 hours...i should be a professional sexual predator
Sorry i vommed in a cup next to u w out warning.. Actually im not that sorry cuz i didn't spill a drop LIKE A PRO
My brother and I have had one conversation in the past like 3 weeks and it was about what it would be like as a sentient butt plug
Shia LaBeouf arrested in austin for public intoxication. JUST DO IT
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