Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
how drunk was i? i pretended i was getting a blowjob from a fuckin dolphin in front of my dad. thats how drunk i was.
can't come out tonight. went to the bar again last night and the bartender hugged and thanked me so much for my "generosity." I'm intrigued but terrified to see my credit card bill.
Where else am I to apply my creativity?
I don't know. Anywhere productive and not involving sex toys would be a start.
Just passed a Taco Bell Taco Supreme, still in its wrapper, laying in the grass. I'd like a moment of silence.
May it rest in peace.
Oh I already celebrated valentine's day. I stayed up until 4 AM listening to biggie, drinking rum, and caressing all my girl curves in front of the mirror. And then I came 3 times.
Thank you for FINALLY joining the Slutasorus Rex club in this conversation.
I think the moment I knew you were going to black out was when I told you how many shots you had already and you were shocked and then poured another one
90 seconds of pumping and 2 months of bragging all summer. So much for my reputation here.
Is posting a pic on insta of my previously dyed blue pubes socially acceptable?
I swear she is the Mary Poppins of drugs
I slid a quarter down a drunk man's butt crack last night. Qdoba gets rowdy
i just woke up to her giving me a toothy BJ so I had to break into your bedroom and steal about 4 condoms. Sorry for waking you. :(
i just wanna know who wrote "dibbz" on my ass?
Bruh. You offered the cashier tater tots that you had stuffed in your pocket.
Yeah, and? She might've been hungry.
Randomize
