i wish sherlock holmes were still around today... he'd be able to find my g-spot.
fyi, take the long route to the library. the "can i be your baby daddy?" homeless man migrated back for winter
People were stuck in the elevator screaming and freaking out. I banged on the door and yelled, "fire depart!" They got excited and then I ran away. lolz
You told the bartender you needed 2 beers, and a shot of his cum...
I just found a receipt from ace where I bought 1 lrg plastic funnel, 2ft of 1" plastic tubing, and a 48" toboggan sled. Thank you cashier #552 for letting that poor life decision happen.
I've really got to stop smuggling half full bottles of beer out of bars in my purse.
I just undressed him with my eyes. And gave him a 10 inch penis. I hope its true.
I want nothing more to get stoned and go to your little sisters petting zoo party but I need to have priorities
The fact that I pulled something plastic out of my mouth after taking that shot is starting to concern me.
Is it appropriate to put "Mommy and Daddys shitfaced-ness that led to Aubrey" on a birth announcement?
Well you two just had a kid in the middle of college, I dont think anyone will notice.
Thanks bro
This may be hard to believe, but that wasn't the first time I was fingered under a snuggie
It's not
judging from the number of limes and box of kosher salt on the counter therell be 8.5 gallons of tequila drunk this weekend.
sounds about right
My sugar daddy is a bigger asshole than i am. What's wrong here?
Omg I literally just wanna sleep with you right now. Like actual sleep. Not sex. Well maybe. But sleep first
He doesn't like Sabbath and that alone is a GIANT red flag. Learn from my experiences and never, I mean NEVER associate with people that hate Black Sabbath and Motörhead.
Randomize
