if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
Highlight of my evening, pile of books falling onto me in front of people
I'm inventing beer flavored vodka. This raspberry shit makes me feel like a pussy.
Her vagina turned into a vuvuzela. I didn't know it was a possible to have a wet nightmare.
she got pretty angry when i tried to superglue her fingers together.
The bar posted my picture because my name changes with each new fake i get. i'm getting a wig.
Can you tell me how this chicken finger got in my pillow case?
The following message is brought to you by IMSOFUCKINGSORRY. Dude I'm really sorry I got you arrested last night. You are allowed to choose a repayment plan from the following options: Money, weed, or a single kick to the balls any time within the next calender months. Repayment outside of the aforementioned options can be negotiated and considered within reason.
Dude he's the best wing man ever. He starts creepin' on a woman, and she clings on to you out of fear.
Hey hey, in my defense we were just suppose to watch Disney movies from a blanket fort with beer and nachos. I was I suppose to know it would end in tears?
Just gave my liver a good luck and I'm sorry speech
my mom just told me I should hit it and quit apparently she does not like this new girl
I've been to his house multiple times since that night and I STILL can't find my bra. And he says the hot tub ate my thong.
Sincerely. Thanks. You could have thought of anyone sitting on your face but you chose me. :)
I will buy you batman underwear babe. I'll make sure you wear them every time we have to adult.
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