I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
I think she would actually eat a penis if anyone was brave enough to let one near her mouth
Unless I'm getting a singing midget telegram, I'm not going to smile
it was funny though when you first woke up you pointed at my shoe and said i need my jacket and then put my shoe on your hand
the choice between paying your electricity bill and getting herpes medicine is a tough one.
Very nice. It looks like a Fisher-Price My First Dildo, but still very nice.
Wrote my name backwards on the test and asked for extra credit points. Late start booze days are my new favorite thing.
And then we were riding the keg in the pool like an 8 second rodeo...naked.
Just woke up in his bed wearing only his shoes. I don't know how to gently say hey dude get the fuck up and take me home....regardless these are some nice shoes.
I specialize in how to hang out and party with randoms after you've hooked up with them. Not in feelings.
AND I JUST BURNT MY BACON. WTF MONDAY. SCREW YOU TOO
There's tequila in my general area. Please pray for me.
I love you. I would never turn you into a bear.
I just talked comic books with a cop. We high-fived as he was running my name.
Proud of you.
We discussed the legality of being a vigilante. I won.
It’s easy for me to be professional, the tough part is finding the perfect amount of bitchy undertone
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