The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
Im bringing wine tonight. Its from a merlot from nashville. i bet it'll taste like infidelity and teenage pregnancy.
is it wrong to smoke out middle schoolers?
yes...dear jesus what did you do?
bwahaha. ask your little brother in about 20 minutes. im dropping him off.
Apparently I joined a band last night. Definitely my favorite blackout.
Just whatever you do please don't lick his face again.
You never cared about felonies while buying me alcohol from the little Asian woman across the street
Ummm didn't i have pubes when i went to bed last night?
From now on I forbid you to refer to it as a "bed". From now on you must only use the phrase "sex wagon".
Also, I'm sat on the floor drinking cava because life is just not working for me tonight.
I know. His dick was small at the top and got bigger at the bottom, like a fucking curling wand.
this is the second day the intern has gotten me coffee. he either wants to bang me or thinks I'm more important than I am.
either way he's in for disappointment
he's smothering me... and not in the good, can you move your thigh off my face please?.. way
I don't care. We're going to fuck. And I WONT apologize in the morning. You cheated on me, so you can cheat on her with me.
I no longer have the means to support both a women and an alcohol addiction
He was gone when I woke up. But he left skid marks on my sheets and our unopened bottle of Titos is missing
New Rule: No more sleepovers with guys we met on Reddit
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