i didnt mean to paint the dog... it just kinda happened
I just bought a vibrating toothbrush with my parents FSA insurance card because I'm too broke for a vibrator. New.Level.Of.Low.
This place doesnt have redbull or serve shots. Its like they are at war with fun.
ugh he was not leaving in the morning so i tried to scare him by crying and saying i wasnt ready to lose my virginity.
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
Grandma can hear your bong from the living room, please be more quiet. Love mom.
I don't care if he got kidnapped by a cult one time he is a dick
Maybe if he'd step up his game and get a real job instead of donating plasma and trying to grow pot then you wouldn't feel compelled to write prisoners in Oregon.
I'm in jersey with marbles.. He's blasted about to fuck a manatee and his entire family is trying to stop it. His mother punched me in the chest for not trying hard enough
My credit card got frozen due to suspicious activity. "Let's go over your recent transaction history... it looks like these are all at bars." BITCH, DON'T JUDGE MY MONDAY NIGHTS.
I would say don't do anything I wouldn't do, but we both know I forget about my personal safely when getting laid is on the line
Two of us got arrested. Gonna be delayed a bit. Save me a burger.
I just Spray tanned myself while high as fuck its either going to look like a work of art or terrible graffiti
We are never doing shots of gin. Never again.
I'm pretty sure that's exactly what we're doing.
THEY WILL NOT STOP FLINGING CARDS AROUND THE ROOM! It has been four hours. HOW CAN IT STILL BE ENTERTAINING?!?! I will be under the table if you need me.
Randomize
