Stoned at DSW. SO MANY SHOES! THEY'RE FREAKING ME OUT.
I just came out of my doctor's office and i look into the window and i see a guy sitting in the front seat getting head.
why are you so shocked? you live in brooklyn.
I'm not going to blow you while you look at fish on the internet.
I know we had a good night last night because his turtle was half asleep chewing on the used condom.
I kept feeling my boobs..just to make sure they were still there.
GET THE DICK OUT OF YOUR MOUTH AND CHECK FACEBOOK.
i will be blacked out in the shower. come get me. 20 mins.
I said:" get your jacket, get your beer and get the fuck out of here"
Firing someone with a rhyme is the new high point in my life.
I'm sorry that I didn't get belligerently drunk and did not put my penis on your neck again
Yeah well you try taking nice pictures while you have pizza crust lodged in your throat
Do you remember making out with the dude in the back of my cab last night?? You said his mustache tickled your tongue.
You know the sex was good when he had to ask which way was north before he left.
my mom asked if I found my Easter basket. it's 1PM & I got home an hour ago from last night. if I'm looking for anything, it's my dignity.
You know the rule about how you feel bad for getting food and not offering other people you're around, does that apply when you eat burger king at a strip club?
When I planned out my evening, "co-author lesbian vampire erotica" was not anywhere on my list of expected activities.
Me neither, but hey, this is where we've ended up. Let's embrace the moment.
Randomize
