Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
Fun fact: tonight on intervention was the guy who did my tattoo
just gave him road head on the way home IN A SNOW STORM..good thing we didn't crash or I'd be dead. I DIDN'T HAVE MY SEATBELT ON
clearly you have your priorities straight
Well yea but it's the principle of the thing.. The fact that he could actually BE your daddy
Slurping strawberries throug a straw. It feels like the kool-aid man is coming in my mouth.
I consider it a good night. I met Jimmy Buffet, who grabbed my ass, and I body-checked a toddler. She had it coming.
So I found the perfect "Yeah I gained weight since high school but it went to all the right places" outfit for the reunion this weekend.
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
Fuck man, my Dad's been single so long I get him a year's sub to a porn site every year for for Father's Day
So here's my pathetic thought of the day: what does it smell like to be sober?
so i EARNED it!?! i EARNED dying alone with cats!!?
All I remember is allowing my uber driver to pull over on the side of the road to give me a massage. I was alone
Please tell your sister I apologize about saying her baby may have beef curtains. That was inappropriate.
When dealing with embarassing medical issues, don't you want your brother's wife to be the one fishing around up your ass?
Talk all the shit you want but I slept in a oversized monster truck tire last night.
Randomize
