Do you realize we just stole 12 dollars worth of quarters each from the office petty cash just to get manicures? New high or New Low?
i was just outside smoking and i saw a hooker sing "i wish i knew who your daddy was" to her new born baby. someone explain to me why i ever left chicago to go to college...
i'm in his bathroom *freshening up* and he not only has a hairdryer... but a straightener. get me out of here... NOW
TIT CHECK! TIT CHECK! ALERT! ALERT!!!!
Dude. Zebras have bad attitudes.
Responsibility: Hiding your beer when your DWI clients who are out on bond come to talk to you at bars.
Highlight of the night: paying my cell phone bill at the bar... I need to get laid.
I inhaled my own vomit, how was your night?
There's no discreet way to sneak a cucumber into the shower lol
Have you ever hotboxed under your comforter? Best. Decision. Ever.
is it fucked up if I wear crotchless panties to thanksgiving to make it easier for me to fuck my cousins friend.
God I love you.
I have a few Facebook friends I only keep around for quality control purposes on Tinder
It's wednesday. OF COURSE HE'S DRUNK.
Sorry you uh had to see that last night. That's the problem with open fields, no privacy...
like sometimes I wish I was allergic to latex so I wouldn't have sex with so many people..
Randomize
