Hey theres a creepy ass guy stalking our house.i would look alive geting in 2nite.
i may or may not have been spotted by tourists while getting head in the vicinity of the jefferson memorial
She was drunk and kept trying to talk while I was in her mouth. It sounded like the teacher from a Charlie Brown cartoon!
Just ran to the store on my way to the office to buy Diet Coke...the guy in front of me let me cut because it was 4 more minutes until 8am, so he wouldn't be able to purchase his vodka. I love Wisconsin
After work we went home to fool around. Turns out he had sawdust under his foreskin. I'm never going down on him again.
I got into my dads silver toyota in the back seat to get picked up and 2 mins later I asked my dad when are we leaving, then an old mexican woman turned around. wrong toyota I'm guessing.
aaaannd alcoholism beats pride. it's like grown-up rock, paper, scissors
No one understands that once a girl pours a handle of smirnoff all over herself, clearly she is wasted
On that note if you see a hobo smiling with a pack of cigarettes and an AMP energy drink, that was my good deed for the day
well I was pissed. first he yelled at me for having my own condoms, then he got mad when they didn't fit him. Dude, I only fuck magnum men.
How do I go about messaging a girl on a dating site whose little sister I've had a three some with...?
There is nothing quite so pathetic as sitting in bed in your underwear eating easy mac in complete silence, waiting for Netflix to load
Also this guy fingered me at the bar and then gave me his card
I just want to sit my fat ass down at McDonald's and never leave
I mean, you've had my nipples in your mouth now, so I think we've reached a certain level of friendship.
Randomize
