I know im too high when i think porn has an interesting story line.
yeah my parents were only ten feet away and we somehow managed to do it in five different positions without them noticing
She seriously pointed at the couch and asked me if she could "ride the talking giraffe". I'll never serve everclear again.
Just had a tranny complement my outfit. Looks like I'll have to change before we go out.
Just keep my face away from hard objects. And by that I do not mean erect penised.... those are totally fine. It's more just things like rocks, table edges, blunt objects, etc so I don't get another concussion.
I can affiliate each flavor of Copenhagen to a different one night stand. I really love Texas.
You want to groom your chest hair? You mean with a little baby chest hair brush? Because that sounds adorable.
You told your mom that it was your second day sober. I think she believed it until you jumped off the balcony
No like you've drunkenly persistently tried to take your shirt off in the middle of a park filled with children. You had already thrown your bra at my crotch.
Just woke up and spent the first hour of consciousness throwing up with the Rocky theme song on repeat.
whatever bro. i had ice cream and whiskey for breakfast and its noon. this is the second worst christmas ever.
I really prefer to do my walks of shame in the summer
I'm worried about us. We are almost 30 and we still drink jaeger bombs till we black out. Wait, no I'm not. I'm excited about us.
we woke up when the front wall of the house caught fire.
I never thought I'd be complaining about having sex 4 times a day, but here we are...
Randomize
