how many times in life can you be kicked out of a pizza buffet for vomiting on the food and insulting small children
When i look at that picture of him, i'm a little proud to be like yeah, his dick was in my mouth saturday no big deal.
Ah shit... I sleep-ate chocolate pudding again.
No, "because my penis told me to" is not an acceptable answer to that question
Just curious... Do you still have the cocks bracelet? You know, the one we pass around to whoevers been the biggest slut recently?
Well if he truly loves me he will just have to accept my flaws. And that includes a tequila dependency and borderline lesbianism.
My wedding band has saved me from at least four cases of herpes tonight.
I love you more with every blowjob.
You should write for Hallmark.
My feelings are currently in a sea of vodka and "I don't give a shit"
Aren't they always?
I stuck my fake eyelashes to his balls after he passed out.
Just took a shower for the sole purpose of getting off without using my hands... I've reached a new level of summer-lazy.
My pants zipper is stuck halfway down. I have to interview an intern later. This day is gonna be amazing,
If we tried baptizing you I feel the water would start boiling around you.
be right there i have to get my cape
The difference in our lives is summed up perfectly in that you woke up next to a 6'4" guy with an accent and I woke up next to an unwrapped piece of string cheese.
Randomize
