Fyi: he's overweight and balding. My biological clock is ticking so loud I can't hear the TV.
You know your from las vegas when the girl on the stage in the strip club was in my US gov class senior year
In Canada she would be a 10 but here in America she's only a 7
I drunkenly sent a picture of my scrotum to the entire baseball team last night
you were exchanging tortilla chips with the guy at the next table, telling him your table was given the "big chips" because it was your 21st birthday
I was dressed in monkey onesie serving people vodka jelly with a spoon...
My new best friend is the drag queen who works at mcdonalds and doesnt judge me during my walk of shame coffee break
after she rolled over and said 'i'm so glad you're like my gay best friend, love you' then left. did i just get friendzoned AFTER sex??
its 2pm. u awake yet?
ill text u back later. still peeling fingernail polish off my face.
Nothing says besties like laying naked in bed hungover arguing over who is getting the pants
THANK YOU for not letting me make out with that girl omfg I was one step away from a foursome in the handicapped stall
He's 30 years old and woke me up for a hand job. Last time I go home with someone I met through Tinder.
Tis the season to play Pocahontas! (AKA: Eat a bunch of acid and run around the yard barefoot, the first person to see the colors of the wind, wins!)
I'M GOING TO DIE ALONE WITHOUT ANYONE PRETENDING TO BE A MARRIED COUPLE WHILE DRUNK AT A MALL WITH ME
all i remember is arguing with the chick that yahoo was better than google
all you were doing was yelling YAHOOOOO in her face
so i won
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